WHO AM I?

My name is Elgine L. Cerdeña, a 3^rd  year irregular student of Colegio de San Juan de Letran – Calamba, a girl so ordinary no one will look at me even if I am walking naked down the hallway. But then again, there must be more. You see, whenever I introduce myself, people have the same reaction – “Again? Elgy, Eglyn? Egnyl?” I know that no matter what I do, people are bound to ask the spelling of my name simply because it is not something that they encounter everyday. I got sick of seeing my name disemboweled for the past years. When I applied for entrance exams, I get my permit and room number by the name of Elaine Cerdeña. Just recently, I was introduced as a student intern by the name of Ailene Cerdeña. By this time, I am more than used to having such a badly misheard name.  And so just like my name, I know people have quite some difficulty understanding the whole “me”.

When I was a child, I have a very simple wish when I grow up. A wish that others thought was a shallow one.  I want to teach in a public school. I want to be like my favorite teacher in elementary – a strong, dedicated, independent and intelligent woman. I’m not too enthusiastic about the singleblessedness part though because I have dreamed of being a mother of three children and a loving wife to a loyal husband.

As an ordinary girl, I know I can be a bit moody. No, scratch that. I am too moody. So moody that I sometimes wonder how my friends can still keep up with me. I never think of myself as a good person. Sure! I have developed the “passion for truth and compassion for humanity” that my four semesters in theology aimed to teach, but then again, I must have been lacking something. Admittedly, I know that I am not at peace with myself.

As what our past lesson told us, the key to understanding and achieving happiness is finding something that is worth our while. My second school gave me no further impression of a strange jungle - I never experienced fitting in. Letran is my second attempt to finish my studies. The last semester I spent here, I flunked my two subjects. I decided to blame everyone except myself. It was indeed a long journey to maturity. I’ve decided to transfer to different school again due to illness at the same time. I left Letran carrying a bad record and with my transcript of records reflecting either a 90+ grade or an unauthorized withdrawal. A lot of people thought of me as foolish to let an opportunity to study pass. That’s when realization hit me and I started blaming myself.

I gave myself an ultimatum - an expiration date. I have to finish my study next year. I know I’m not getting any younger. It’s either now or never. 

For the longest time I blamed myself and I regret each passing day knowing that I’ve wasted half of my life doing things that on that time might seem important but in the long run means nothing. That’s also when I began to see change. I decided to change because I know regret can only make me bitter. I will never be able to move on if I dwell on the past. It sure taught me a lot, that if I spend my present regretting the past, it is more likely that I will spend my future regretting the present.

I also discovered that one can only move on if he decides to do so. Base from my experience, I found out that no one can help me but myself. One must be willing to facilitate the change on him/herself and that’s when we can manage to achieve our desired results.

I was in the denial stage for a long time. I tried to deny that I need help, I denied that it was my fault, and I denied that all I need is a bit of growing up.

Because of the change that I inflicted upon myself, I was able to divert my attention to studies. Although I admit to only be an average student, for me it is still an accomplishment to be able to discipline myself when it comes to attendance. As I look back, I realized that it was my major fallback on my previous schools.  I’m not an eager student but I was still able to develop a sense of appreciation towards education.

I can feel that little by little, I was able to gain my parents’ trust and respect once again. I know I have disappointed them many times and repairing the damage that I have done is not an easy thing to do. It only makes me feel more motivated to prove myself as the kind of daughter that they can be proud of.

With regards to friends, I am a friendly individual by nature but I have learned how to pick good friends from bad ones. Furthermore, I was able to impart to my younger friends who are experiencing what I already have gone through the value of proper decision making and good motivation when it comes to school. I was hoping that they can be pushed to realization sooner than later.

Remembering the past, it seemed as if it was a vague dream – not exactly a nightmare but more of bad harlequinade. During that time, I can recall my repetition of a personalized mantra. “This too shall pass” became my best driving force towards implicating change.

I have settled the fact that I have to toil really hard to graduate. When I look at it from a bird’s eye view, I realized that maybe I was destined to do these things so I will cut out on being too proud. In a way, what happened may be God’s way of telling me to stop and reflect, and be thankful before I become conceited.

After all that happened, I know that my rollercoaster ride is far from its last round. I am happy to think that bad decisions gave me a way to be critical towards my own self. I have met a lot of people along the road – some are just passers by while some are for keeps – people who in one way or another have touched my life.

If I am to be asked about what I would do differently if I had the chance, I would have studied harder. At first I didn’t understood how hard it is to earn money for my father, but now I know better.  If I have graduated sooner, I would have been able to help paying the house bills. The good thing is, it is not too late and I can still carry on what I am supposed to do.